There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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