i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Randomize
