Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
