Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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