I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
