Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
