we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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