i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
