I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
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