My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i wish my penis had a tongue
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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