That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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