I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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