i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
