The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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