i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
She told me I should be a condom model.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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