youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
