90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
