She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
