I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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