Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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