I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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