Your mouth is God's brothel.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
This baby is an asshole
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Randomize
