i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
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I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
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