Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize