There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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