There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
