I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
