Don't make out with my wife yet
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
