you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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