remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
