im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
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