and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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