if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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