can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
