so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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