I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm really busy with my period
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