party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
