i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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