Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
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Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
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I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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