Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
