I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
