This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
