I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Everyone says I win the strip club
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
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