Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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