i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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