Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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