Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
