hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
operation have a gay friend backfired
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
