I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
