every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Randomize
