I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Randomize
