Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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