I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
