I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
