I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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