I wish life had little blips of pornography
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
