I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
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He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
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She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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