i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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